Ok, I know I was just on here giving a sob story over friendship, but this is my blog, and I’ll vent post as I wish. But yeah. We’ve had construction guys at my job, and they’ve been continuously flirting with me. I thought I was just crazy and being vain, but no, I’ve been vindicated by my coworker who confirmed it when I mentioned my theory. And that’s like. Look, it was flattering at first, and it’s not like I’ve gone out of my way for it. I’m victim blaming myself like that, but I don’t really feel victimized? Maybe that’s just societal indoctrination, so I feel obligated to feel flattered. God, whatever, the guys somehow knew my name and they always go out of their way to say Hey whenever they see me and I don’t remember introducing myself I just say hi back out of politeness and it’s kept up like that because they don’t do it to others and I think I got singled out for naivete and I’m conventionally attractive with a big ass and my tits bounce (they’re average size, im not saying im devastatingly stacked and a straight male wet dream, I just walk that way unconsciously and it’s STUPID because it sounds like a shitty YA protagonist or the description of a woman by a male author and thats so stupid i said im conventionally attractive and men will be dumbass horndogs with no professional boundaries to speak of). I’m proud of my body, I was a chubby loner kid that was bullied and had a glow up when i turned 18 and I still have body perception issues that I’m dealing with but I also had a brief phase of oversexualising myself for male approval/validation and now I’m in a committed relationship of like 5 years and! I don’t know, I have this horrible perception of myself because I grew up awkward and not good at making friends, but then I get hot and guys then want to fuck me and I mistake it for what I always wanted, but that’s not it, not really I don’t think. And now it’s too late because here I am being objectified and in the moment its flattering and I feel in control and then I get home and I feel dirty and like im somehow a cheap whore by being flirted with. And that’s completely reasonable because my brain is just mistaking lust for genuine compliments or whatever and that’s a fucky way of being but I’m dealing with it and it isn’t the end of the world, I just wish I could talk to someone about it without being judged but I don’t think there’s really any one, so I’m going to bring all this to my therapist and we’re going to unpack this and get me some better coping mechanisms because CLEARLY something is off. And at least I need to talk to someone objective in all this. I need someone to tell. And talk with. Someone who isn’t going to make me feel judged or guilty or anything.

I wish I could tell someone about it. I don’t really have friends. I don’t maintain the relationships, so it’s no wonder. I hope that at least people don’t outright dislike me. I’m kind of annoying, so I wouldn’t blame them. It takes a lot of patience to be my friend. I think I’m friends with my coworker, but he’s amiable with everyone. So he could just be nice, and I’m just enjoying someone being nice for the sake of niceness, or getting through the shift, or whatever reason. But I feel guilty about diminishing what could be a genuine attempt to be my friend. I’ve always been awkward, I’ve had a hard time with friendships. There have been very few relationships that haven’t ended because of something I did or a mutual decision. Even if I was just mean once, I promise it won’t happen again. Because I’m too upset with myself over such a stupid cruel blunder that I ghost. I disappear, and I don’t reach out, and maybe I’m so embarrassed I outright block them. And sometimes the overstep is just feeling like I’m over sharing and I decide that won’t do and I leave because no one wants to have me there and I’m an idiot and I can’t believe I told you something so personal why am I such a naive child you don’t care that’s ok I just think talking to you is fun but I shouldn’t read so much into it that you’d actually enjoy my company there’s a reason no one wants to be my friend BUT. People do want to be my friend, I think, but I’m so scared of being friends because I do shit like this and when I’m alone I feel embarrassed I said anything even if you didn’t mind it or enjoyed our conversation I just CAN’T. It’ll keep me up at night and I’ll overanalyse every little bit and the very possibility you could remember even SOMETHING so minute and insignificant that I wish I hadn’t said, it drives me up the wall and makes me cry out of shame that I could have imposed on you like that, I really should just fade away and stop existing and maybe you’ll forget and I won’t have to worry because I’ll dissappear and anything I did won’t keep hurting you or annoying you. And I stepped away to blow my nose, read it all again, and I know it’s shit like this that makes me afraid to make any friends even while I’m horribly lonely. I’m obsessive, to an unhealthy degree. I should be assessed for ocd. I don’t know if that can even be applied because it’s probably just an anxiety thing. And I have MS. So I can’t really have any other mental illness without doctors immediately attributing it to the MS and how it’s affected my brain chemistry because of the lesions. OH SHIT I FORGOT IM ON MY PERIOD. Everything is worse on my period. I should check to see how my thyroid levels are because I’m always emotionally unstable on my rag. Or I’m overexaggerating. It not that bad. I just get sad. And I’ve already been diagnosed with depression. Long before MS. Man, I’m gonna absolutely lose it when Milo is gone. He’s my ESA. But he’s 19. He’s so old for a cat. But yeah. Friends. I need to unlearn my tendency to panic-ghost people. I’m gonna try. Just need to remember that it’s not that deep. Relajate, respirate, y piénsalo. He’s your coworker, not like you can avoid him. This was a pointless meltdown and stress paragraph. I’m done.